And that’s why we don’t have exploding sandwiches.

M.I.18 was founded to assist with the mountains of paperwork that are generated when governments find it necessary to spy on one another. Apart from recording, cataloging and cross referencing a never ending stream of data, M.I.18 generally do whatever else is asked of them, we’re nice like that.

Today we’ve been asked to help, I’ll use that word loosely, the Special Operations Executive. The history books state that the S.O.E was formed during the second world war to, in Mr Churchills own words, “ Really piss off  Mr Hitler.” The unit was officially wrapped up following the conclusion of hostilities. Unfortunately, the current climate has meant that once again this formidable organisation has been resurrected and updated for the 21st century. Drawing the very best individuals from each service, they have vowed, as before, to ensure that the enemy, will know neither rest or peace.

 Whenever the need arises, the S.O.E. have the authorisation to assemble whatever equipment, personal or expertise is required to get the job done. Because we have some of the sharpest minds in the country….although in the interests of honesty I must state this is a relative term, we have been called upon to attend an ideas session, in which our unique out the box thinkers are to have their brains picked.

The main thrust of today is to come up with a new version of an S.O.E classic, the exploding rat. Back in the day, an explosive laden deceased rodent was left in the boiler room or near the fire place of the target house. Nazi caretakers, not generally known for their sentimentality, would more often than not, throw the rat in the furnace and before you knew it, up would go the rat along with the house. 

As the yoof say old skool is the new cool, which is why we are trying to pack as much explosive as we can into everyday food items. It’s great fun, you should give it ago….actually thinking about it,… don’t.

Our S.O.E host is very patiently trying to explain to Neil why the classic children’s drink Um bongo isn’t a good choice when it comes to hidey holes for Semtex.

“But,” protests Neil, “the foil pack will be ideal for getting past security. And….we could place a trigger under the hole for the straw.”

The rest of the room chips in.

“A straw based presser sensor would work. Triggered when the seal is broken. Do they still have those little straws on the outside?

Neil reliable informs the group that they still do. Our host has his head in his hands.

“Well…er…Neil, there are a few issues with that,”

“Or you could,” continues Neil, “make the trigger pressure sensitive,”

“Yes but….”

“Or add a two stage trigger device…you know…arm it at a distance, so to speak.”

“Stop…..just Stop right there….Firstly Um bongo isn’t universally available, and more importantly…..…its for children and not drunk….BY ADULTS!”

Neil looks down forlornly at his lunch box for a few moments.

“Um bongo made with 100%…..juice……its very nutritious….just saying.”

Crestfallen Neil sits quietly for a few minutes before his face lights up.

 “We could try a sandwich.” He states enthusiastically.

“WE ARE NOT TRYING A BLOODY SANDWICH!”

“Of cause not, not one covered in blood……it would have to be ham.”

The room falls silent at this insight, the liaison officer stares blinking at Neil for several moments.

“Could you all go back to your own departments now…..please.”

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